Sunday, October 27, 2013

How you like me now?

So... um... yeah - well, you fire me in the middle of 2010, after some pretty shrewd decision making I might add in getting rid of Randy Moss after sending a third round pick to that horrible negotiator Bill Belichick - and I think the fact that the team basically sucked the next 3 years is a pretty good indication that I am awesome.

Seriously - Leslie Fricken Frazier?  Who hired that guy?  Oh wait, yeah, that was me.  But I would never have drafted Christian Ponder - Blaine Gabbert was my guy all the way.  And we would have kept T-Jack too - that guy was awesome.

So this season - the vikings are following my plan perfectly.  I couldn't have scripted it any better - except for the part where we score so many points.  It's just unacceptable.  We need to bring back T-Jack; I think that's clear.


Oh - and Eric Sugarman looks like Paul Schaeffer's Penis.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Brett Favre's Penis

Let's address what everyone's been talking about - that is definitely Brett Favre's penis. I have seen that thing thousands of times between watching Brett get ready for games, watching him shower after games, watching him urinate, or watching him through the telescope I set up in that fake deer stand I built to keep an eye on him in Mississippi. Sometimes when I fall asleep, I dream about it - like this one dream, I was shopping at Target - you know, minding my own business. I saw Brett Favre's penis there - it was shopping for pre-paid cell phones. It looked like it couldn't decide between the Virgin Mobile or Boost Mobile options. It saw me and we made eye contact, and it started smiling...when suddenly, I realize I'm completely NAKED, and Brett Favre's penis wasn't smiling at me -- it was laughing hysterically... Pointing and laughing... It took a long time before I got the strength to talk to it again after that.

Where was I going with this - OH, yeah - so that's definitely his penis.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Non picture, description, or account of the game - 2010 so far...

You know in my haste, what with all the time I've been spending analyzing Brettfavre! interceptions lately, I realized that I haven't been keeping up on blog posts with game recaps... So here's week 1 - 3:

Week 1: LOSS, but hey, come on - this is New Orleans we're talking about here... They won the super bowl last year for gosh sakes!

Week 2: LOSS, but hey, come on - this is the Dolphins we're talking about here... They... um... almost made the playoffs last year...I think. Actually, I'll be honest. I didn't really prepare for this game. It was a rough week at work, and my boss was really riding me... What? Zygi? No, I meant at my other job. Yeah, that's right - I dance at a small club downtown, well at least they told me it was a club... come to think of it; it's not so much a club, as it is a small alley off of Chicago avenue.

Week 3: Detroit (doesn't count as a win since we didn't win by 100).

Week 4: Bye - like me!

Also - in the People who look like People file:

Tarvaris Jackson looks like the Week 5 starting quarterback for the Vikings based on how Brettfavre! has been playing...

Friday, September 17, 2010

I'm back bitches!

OK, so I took a break for a while there while the vikings actually were looking promising for the last half of 2008 and the entire 2009 season. It was a great run. Brettfavre! did a great job. In fact, such a great job that my vikings were the first team ever to completely dominate an NFC championship game and somehow lose. For that, you can thank me. Brettfavre! had me so mesmerized in that game - what, with his shiny silver hair and those gradually loosening old man buttocks that I just couldn't focus...

I was trying to send Steve Hutchinson a text message with a picture of my wiener on it (you know - because I know Brettfavre! likes doing that, and I figured Steve Hutchinson might show him, and then he'd talk to me), but the darn thing just wasn't going through. I didn't want to miss the opportunity (since I already had the picture of my wiener cued up on the cell phone), so, you know, I just thought maybe if Tahi could run it out there for me, then he would see it... Then maybe Brettfavre! and I could get together at Red Lobster and share weiner photo stories. Just like Donovan McNabb and I used to do.

So there you have it. I really wish I could show you my wiener photo, but tell you the truth, you couldn't really see much anyway. So instead, here's a picture of a condom I'm having designed especially for me. It's made out of Carbon Nanotubes:

Monday, October 20, 2008

One of Vinsanthe Shianco's hands escaped

One of Vinsanthe Shianco's hands escaped to a remote part of Kentucky earlier this week, but was luckily found by this dog and will be returned...

In the mean time, Vinsanthe had 4 catches for 68 yards and a TD this week... Coincidence?

On Kluwe

A lot of people have been saying we should cut Kluwe after his performance this week, but I am not going to do it, and here's why:

1. He's one of the best tacklers on the team.
2. His name sounds delicious. Mmmm kaleuwe....
3. Minnesota Professional Sports teams do not fire people for poor performance - we just put up with it for 1, 3, hopefully ten years or until I feel like retiring

Sunday, October 19, 2008

WEEK 7 "This is not a picture, description or account of the game" recap

LOSS - MN 41, CHI 48

Terriffic game - my "Conservatismo" is really working well. See - in Detriot - we only needed 10 points, so I played my typical "Run, Run, Pass, Punt" and it worked for one drive, just like I had hoped.

Today - with Chicago's Kyle Orton powered "SUPERMAN" offense, we really brought out the big guns to try and keep up. Gus did a good job though of not breaking 300 yards. I always say "a win's a win", except if you win it by passing over 300 yards. In that case, "a win's a loss".

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

People who look like people - Week 6

"Yeah, that John Denver was full of shit, man" - Rob Brzezinzki

Sunday, October 12, 2008

WEEK 6 "This is not a picture, description or account of the game" recap

WIN - MN 12, DET 10

"GREAT WIN." This was a great game. I find the best way to play is to play as conservative as possible - most coaches might look at though Detriot as a terrible team - a team you can get out ahead of early, then just run out the clock. Not me - I see a challenge. How can we get this "well oiled machine" of ours to play down to Detroit's level? We've got to make this game as entertaining as possible - keep them close.

But really, that AMAZING Detroit defense (you know - the one which has already given up 19 touchdowns?), really looked sharp today.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

People who look like People - Week 5

"Johnny - What do you make out of this?"
"This? Well I could make a hat, or a brooch, or a terradactl.."

Monday, October 6, 2008

WEEK 5 "This is not a picture, description or account of the game" recap

WIN - MN 30, NO 27

Terrible Game - Terrible game. I'd just like to take this opportunity to throw my kicker under the bus on this one. I mean - how can he punt it to the opposing team on a punt? Does he expect the special teams unit to actually tackle the guy he kicks it to? I mean who are we, New England?

Thursday, October 2, 2008

People who look like people - Week 4

"A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green blow... and left me as impotent as a Minnesota Vikings Football Coach. "

- C. Montgomery Burns

Sunday, September 28, 2008

WEEK 4 "This is not a picture, description or account of the game" recap

LOSS - MN 17, TEN 30

Great game today. Everything went just according to plan. Going on the advice of my Psychic, I decided to punt with less than 2 minutes to go while behind - they hadn't fumbled all day - they were due!

Wow - I can't say enough about Kerry Collins. He doesn't look a day past 36, really, the way he played today.

Why can't we get a slow old white guy to manage the game for us? Oh.. sorry Gus...

Thursday, September 25, 2008

People who look like People - Week 3

Every once in a while, I slip and call Matt Birk "Heir Birk-halter"

Sunday, September 21, 2008

WEEK 3 "This is not a picture, description or account of the game" recap

WIN - MN 20, CAR 10

What a terrible game. Terrible game. Everything was all wrong. First of all - Zygi made me play the backup quarterback. THE BACKUP! Geez, and he's this slow white guy who I didn't even draft. And AND - he wanted to throw passes longer than 6 yards. Well dammit - we built this team on the 6 yard pass, and my record speaks for itself.

Saturday, September 20, 2008


Oh Wade - you smell so nice today... cabbage?

Thursday, September 18, 2008

People who look like people - Week 2

I'm a firm believer that you should never publicly mock your superiors, but every time I see Zygi, I get worried he's going to shoot a red turtle shell at me or leave a banana peel right in front of my cart.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

WEEK 2 "This is not a picture, description or account of the game" recap

LOSS - MN 15, IND 18

GREAT GAME. Bernard Berrian came up HUGE this week with 0 catches for 0 yards and 0 touchdowns. He almost caught a couple of balls though, so I give him an "A" for effort. "T-Jack" as we call him (side note - did you see how we did that? We took the first letter of his first name and then hyphenated it with the first syllable of his last name - so I am "B-Chilled") threw for an astounding 130 yards, but I'm sorry - I've got to blame this one on the defense. I mean - you've got to be able to hold a team like the Colts to less than 15 points. Give our offense a chance, man!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

People who look like people - Week 1

Have you ever walked down the street and said "Hey, isn't that Major Dad?" Admit it! C'mon - I heard you say it.

But really, we share more than just a luxurious "perma-frown" mustache and a bald head. Did you know we both refuse to use liquid soap and alphabetize our underwear?

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

WEEK 1 "This is not a picture, description or account of the game" recap

LOSS - MN 19, GB 24

Great game this week... I can't say enough about Tavaris - he did a great job "managing the game", and almost ALMOST managed 20 yards in the first half. That's really good in my offensive scheme.

But I would like to say that Aaron Rogers is definitely for real. He proved he can throw against the Minnesota Vikings secondary... and that's really saying something! I mean it's not like we're the last... oh wait.